28/07/15

Today I do not feel ok. I do not feel well. The pain in my stomach has come back, which is made worse by the fact that I know there is nothing physically wrong with me. The scan of my stomach was clear, and so the only thing that this can be due to is stress.

I have cried several times today. Normally I feel 10 times better after a good cry, just let it all out whilst watching Lilo & Stitch and then it's all back to normal. This time is different, it's one of those times where if you think about something sad for even a moment, the floods cometh.

This morning I wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there for the rest of time. I would have been quite happy to shut off the world, watch netflix, read for a bit maybe...

I say maybe because I've been finding it hard to read recently. I used to always have my head in a book, but now I find it hard to get in to one. I do sometimes finish books, but not as much as I used to.

If this stomach pain could just go away, that would be great. Honestly, it feels as though my stomach is a heavy, dense weight inside my body. It feels like it's settling, this great lump of mass, which is pretty much the only thing I can think about when the pain comes on. I am yet to find a position for sitting which helps it, again cementing the idea that this is because my brain is sending odd signals to itself to make me feel uncomfortable on purpose. Maybe my brain is trying to show me how it's feeling. I don't know.

I wish I could have got an appointment today to see the Doctor, but I can't really complain about only having to wait a couple of days. I wouldn't have wanted to take the slot of an emergency appointment when I am not an emergency, but it would have been nice to talk to someone today.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, which is not the most productive of things to be thinking. In the past few weeks, the following options have crossed my mind:

Primary school teacher, Nursery Assistant, Teaching assistant, HR administration,office administration, hairdresser, chef, carer, nurse...

Seriously, this looks like the career crisis that children have when they change their mind about what they want to do everyday.

As you get older, it seems as though you lose that child like ability to change their mind because it is so hard to act on. How can I just 'become' a hairdresser? Well that would mean going back to college, paying for it, working for a tiny salary whilst interning... and why the hell do I want to be a hairdresser anyway?! I don't, but I'm just looking for anything that will give me money and not hurt my insides.

Just spoken to Alex, and I don't know how he always makes me feel better, to the point where I don't feel deserving of it. He offered to buy me a little treat because I'm down- he suggested a chocolate bar, and I cried. Yes, I cried.

I am a bit of a mess today.